


Love of My Life

by NamelesslyNightlock



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Everyone needs a bloody hug, Including the Author, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, M/M, Mutual Pining, Regret, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-09-01 12:52:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16765537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NamelesslyNightlock/pseuds/NamelesslyNightlock
Summary: Being on opposing sides is tough, especially when there's actual feelings involved.





	Love of My Life

**Author's Note:**

> Oh look, I made myself sad.  
>   
> Title from [the song of the same name](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wp2dF2RjU-0). This is what I get for listening to a Queen playlist while writing.

Tony managed to catch Loki in the middle of a fight, tackling him by the waist and flying into an evacuated office building. The others were all busy with Loki’s illusions, and Tony estimated he’d have a couple minutes perhaps before they realised he’d taken off with the real thing.

Loki had been laughing during the whole scuffle, his eyes bright with the adrenaline he always found amongst the beauty of destruction. The smile fell away when he saw Tony though, a shadow passing over his eyes that echoed the darkness Tony felt himself. Even the bruise tarnishing the line of his jaw, no doubt a gift from his brother, hadn’t been enough to dampen his spirits as quickly as setting sights on Tony had.

“Stark,” Loki said stiffly.

Tony almost flinched, the sharp greeting a terrible contrast to the soft ‘Anthony’ Tony had come to cherish, but that he had not heard in months. Still, he stepped out of the armour, knowing despite his best instincts that Loki was no threat. Not to him, not even after everything that had happened.

“Hey, Loki.” Tony’s own voice was harsh, grating even to his own ears. There was a time when Tony had hardly ever used Loki’s name, but instead had infused a seemingly never-ending array of nicknames and endearments with enough affection to rival an ‘I love you.’ Even after all this time, Loki’s name felt unnatural as it passed his lips, like it didn’t quite properly fit.

“Why did you do that?” Loki asked, seemingly unable to tear his gaze from Tony despite the pain it was inflicting. “I was having fun taunting those heroes. Why did you have to ruin it?”

“The same reason you decided to come back to New York, I suppose,” Tony said. The accusation was a guess, but Tony knew it was the truth. “There’s no need to spout that nonsense about Thor or Amora or whatever excuse you’ve got up your sleeve. You could be bothering Carol and the others over on the West Coast, but you’re _here_.”

Loki didn’t retreat when Tony took a step closer, though his eyes watched Tony’s every movement like a hawk.

“That doesn’t explain why you decided that we should talk,” Loki retorted, though the bite had leeched out of his tone, his expression simply full of the same longing Tony knew all too well.

Hesitantly, Tony touched a rogue lock of black hair, brushing it lightly between two fingertips before allowing it to fall. Loki followed his movement with a tight expression, as if he wasn’t sure whether he liked it or not.

“Sorry,” Tony sighed, unable to stop his gaze from falling to his shoes. “I just... I’ve been worried.”

“About what?” Loki asked harshly.

“Am I not allowed to be worried about you?” Tony had to fight not to reach out to touch him again. “This is the first time I’ve seen you in a while. Even Thor said he thought you looked down.”

“So?” Loki’s eyes flashed dangerously. “You know me, Stark. I never stay in one place for long.”

“I just worry.” Tony’s gaze flickered back up, but only for a moment. He didn’t know what else he could say.

“Well, don’t.” Loki looked away, his face forcibly blank, his hands tense by his sides. “I am fine, Stark, and so are you.”

No. It wasn't enough. 

“It's not fine,” Tony said, the words cracking miserably. "I love you."

Loki really did look uncomfortable at that, though he didn’t move away. “That doesn’t matter,” he said. “It doesn’t fix anything, it just makes everything worse.”

“I know,” Tony whispered, the admission cutting. “But, that doesn’t change the fact that I still do.”

Carefully constructed composure shattered then, Loki’s discomfort giving way to determination as he reached out and wrapped his arms around Tony’s shoulders, roughly pulling him against his chest. Tony fell into the embrace, not caring that Loki’s armour was digging into his hips, that his cheek was scratching against hard metal. He’d never been able to resist Loki, save for when it mattered.

Save for when it hurt the most.

“Why do you keep doing this to me?” Loki whispered, a heartbroken plea pressed against Tony’s skin. “How am I to move past this when you will not let me go?”

“I couldn’t rid myself of you if I tried,” Tony replied. “You’re too ingrained in me, Snowflake. I thought I could keep going, but god, it’s _hard_.”

Shuddering, Loki pulled away only just enough to lean down and press their lips together, and Tony gasped into him with an awful mixture of torment and desire.

The kiss was bitter, and Tony tasted salt against the tip of his tongue. Still, he held Loki close, clutching him with the kind of desperation that could only be born from regret. Their lips were sliding together in movements that were far too practiced to remain free of memory, and Tony found that he couldn’t stop trembling.

It didn’t last as long as either of them would have liked, over far too quickly and without changing a single thing.

“I can’t,” Loki said brokenly, pressing his forehead to Tony’s for half a precious moment before pulling away with a sudden jerk, turning to face the hole Tony had made in the wall when they entered. “I can’t suffer this again.”

“I know,” Tony said again, the words a lance that sliced through his already tender heart. This wasn’t the first time it had happened, and he doubted it would be the last. The hurt hadn’t faded in the slightest, and it likely never would.

They loved each other deeply, but the path their lives had taken meant that for one to be happy, the other had to make a change that would shake the very foundations of themselves. To make such a sacrifice went against everything they were, everything that had drawn them together in the first place. If they were capable of surrendering so easily, they wouldn’t be the sort of person that the other could fall in love with.

It was a terrible paradox, a problem that had no solution. No matter how hard Tony thought on it, he could not devise a single result that would bring happiness to them both.

Loki didn’t look back as he vanished with a simple twist of his seiðr, and the sounds of fighting in the street ceased with a sudden silence. That was good. Tony didn’t think he was in the right state of mind to return to his team just yet– the team and the heroic persona that he couldn’t give up, even though it meant being separated from the love of his life.

Because, yeah, Tony knew that was what Loki had come to mean. Tony was never going to feel that way about anyone else, and he thought that, despite the fact that Tony was only a mortal, it was the same for Loki as well. But as much as they loved each other they were simply too different, and as much as that _hurt_ , there was nothing they could do to change the way the world worked. 

Stolen moments were all they could afford, but even those were starting to become too painful to bear.


End file.
